Sunday, June 19, 2011

University of Michigan Fires Brady Hoke, Hires Jim Tressel

Jim Tressel (above in red) says he will continue to wear his distinctive Ohio State sweater vest when coaching games at the University of Michigan.

     In a surprising move, the University of Michigan announced earlier today that they have fired head coach Brady Hoke, and hired Jim Tressel. Tressel recently resigned from Ohio State after several major NCAA rules violations that allegedly occurred during his time as head coach for the Buckeyes. Tressel was very successful on the field for the Buckeyes, compiling 106 wins and only 22 losses.

     Hoke, hired January 19, 2011, was disappointed by the move, but remarkably understanding. The former San Diego State coach was largely unknown before being hired by the Wolverines, is thankful for the opportunity, saying “I’m grateful the University of Michigan gave me the chance to learn what spring workouts at a prestigious program are all about. I grew up idolizing Coach Tressel, so for them to fire me to hire him, I mean, what more can you ask for? Hopefully he’ll be around campus soon so I can maybe get him to sign a couple things.”

     Hoke, expected by some Michigan fans to turn around the program, said pundits’ predictions for his team to finish over .500 were ludicrous. “(Laughs) I, uh, I really had no idea what I was doing. Often times I would organize team movie and scrabble nights instead of practicing. I once won a game by playing “diphthong” for 200 points!” Hoke remembered fondly.

     Michigan Athletic Director David Brandon was surprised when reporters showed up at his house early this morning. “You’re (expletive) right we fired that tubby fella for Jim Tressel! His résumé is outta this freakin’ (sic) world. Coach Tressel stomped us something filthy when he was at Ohio State. His players were so disciplined. Hopefully he can instill similar structure, and discipline here at Michigan.” Brandon said he had not heard about the recent allegations against Tressel and Ohio State, but said he would look into them when he got back from vacation.

     During his introductory press conference, Tressel stated he would “Try very hard,” suspiciously over-emphasizing the word “very.” Later, he winked at reporters after expressing his excitement to get on the practice field and work to rebuild Michigan's once storied program, currently in shambles. 

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